The
Girl Next Door
Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Emile Hirsch
Directed by: Luke Greenfield
Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)
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To say that I had a "strong" reaction when I first learned that Elisha Cuthbert was going to be playing a porn star might be a bit of an understatement. If I remember correctly, my immediate reaction was to pass out, and when I woke up I was screaming "THANK YOU JESUS!" at the top of my lungs. I may have also been grabbing myself, I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that I was escorted off the plane by an Air Marshall.
I guess you could say that I've got a bit of a "thing" for the lovely Miss Cuthbert. My infatuation is, in fact, quite well documented. I used to write for a news parody site called "The Daily Probe", where one of my weekly assignments was to write a fake advice column called "Advice From Strangers," which was basically advice from celebrities. One week, I chose Ms. Cuthbert as my "celebrity" and, well, you can see the results for yourself HERE.
You know, not even the COPS that wait for me look this good...
So, yeah, I'm quite smitten with the young lady, which is why the prospect of her playing a porn star more or less reduced me to a quivering puddle of DNA.
Fortunately though, the movie on the whole is pretty good. But, to be fair and objective, I promise I will excuse myself every time I find myself thinking lustful thoughts that could interfere with my objectivity. I am, after all, a professional, and the image of a beautiful, sexy young blonde woman is not enough to sway me from my duties. Even one as knee-weakengly gorgeous as...
...there, see? It's happening already. One moment please...
<3 minutes later>
Ah. Much better. Now, on with the review.
"So who will it be? Bachelor #1, Bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?"
In a nutshell, "The Girl Next Door" is pretty much a modern-day remake of "Risky Business". If you'll remember that Tom Cruise masterpiece, he played Joel, a young, overachieving high school senior who longs to get into Princeton, a good, conservative school. He then finds himself in some pretty sticky situations thanks to his involvement with a sex-industry worker. This includes some frightening run-ins with her psychotic boss. He then has to get himself out of a jam, which involves coming up with a lot of money on pretty short notice, and his shenanigans could cost him his future. We also get to see him in his tighty-whities at one point.
But "The Girl Next Door" is a little different. Here, Hirsch plays Matthew, a young, overachieving high school senior who longs to get into Georgetown, a good, conservative school. He then finds himself in some pretty sticky situations thanks to his involvement with a sex-industry worker. This includes some frightening run-ins with her psychotic boss. He then has to get himself out of a jam, which involves coming up with a lot of money on pretty short notice, and his shenanigans could cost him his future. We also get to see him in his tighty-whities at one point.
See the differences? His name is MATTHEW, not Joel. And he wants to go to GEORGETOWN, not Princeton. Completely different movie.
All the chaos starts for Matthew when he first runs into the titular Girl Next Door, Danielle (Cuthbert). Heh heh...did you see what I did there? I said "titular" when I was talking about Elisha. That reminds me of...
...one moment please...
<2 and a half minutes later>
Ah, much better. Where was I? Oh yes, their first meeting. Matthew sees Danielle moving a bunch of stuff from her car into her house, and can't stop looking at her. Later on, he sees her changing in front of an open bedroom window, and, being a young kid, he just can't HELP himself from staring as she slips out of her shirt and bra, exposing soft, smooth, pale skin and...
...sorry...be right back...
You know, the view from MY window is a 50-year-old fat guy. Where's the justice?
<2 minutes later>
Sorry gang. Last time, I swear.
Well, long story short, he gets caught, and Danielle charges next door to confront him. But she doesn't rat him out. Oh no, my friends...her plan is much more devious. Not to give too much away, but it involves making him strip in the middle of the street and then taking off with his clothes.
Hmm...I guess I DID kind of give it away, didn't I?
But Matthew is more than just a horny, streaking kid. He's also the student body president in a school full of nauseating jock assholes who have no respect for him. How he got voted in is anybody's guess. In all my 7 years of high school, the guy who got named "Class President" was almost ALWAYS the beer-swilling goofball who made promises like "If you elect ME, we'll have BOOZE at the SCHOOL DANCES! WHOOOO! GO WILDCATS!!!" Well, to be fair, that always got MY vote. In high school, anything to get me drunker was usually enough to get my vote. And it actually holds true to this day...political parties of Canada please take note.
So after the forced streaking incident, let's just say that Danielle and Matthew get "chummy". This more or less means that she challenges him to live a little, and because it's a gorgeous blonde challenging him, he accepts. So he ditches school, you know, the usual stuff. He also sort of pseudo-skinny-dips with her...which results in...
Ahhh...so THIS is what a heart attack feels like. I regret nothing...
...wait...I can do this...it will pass. Rosie O'Donnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Rosie O'Donnell...
ah...that's better. So, as I was saying, they come as close as their respective contracts will allow to skinny dipping, which means now Danielle is wet, and...
...dammit...I was doing so WELL...
<1 minute, 45 seconds later>
Okay...last time. I MEAN it this time.
Well, as hot as Danielle is, she has to have a dark side, right? Otherwise, where would the conflict be? As you probably already know, it turns out that Danielle is actually a porn star who has recently "left the biz". This is brought to Matthew's attention by his porn-addicted friend Eli (Chris Marquette, in the funniest role in the movie). He does this by showing Matthew a video in the AV room at the school, which I happen to know for a fact is grounds for a 3 day suspension. (It happened to a "friend" of mine.) Matthew, as you might expect, reacts like any other Young Republican would...he's turned on and repulsed at the same time. (Oh come on...like Republicans don't have hormones...)
But wait! There's more! In the middle of all this, her producer/agent Kelly (Timothy Olyphant) shows up, and tries to lure her back to the lurid, seedy, and incredibly lucrative Adult Film Industry. And sensing that there's a barely-legal-love-connection between these two kids, he interferes. And interferes. And interferes some more.
"Who knew she was into the Don King look?"
One last thing: All this time, Matthew is trying to prepare for a Scholarship Dinner, in order to get to Georgetown. As a result, he has to give a speech on...wait for it...morality! I know! And he's dating a porn star! It's WACKY, I tell you!
All right. Let's get beyond the fact that this is basically a rip-off of "Risky Business" for a moment. There's still a lot going for it. Believe it or not, this movie is smarter than most teen-romance-comedy flicks. For example: Seann William Scott isn't anywhere NEAR this one, so it's already about 3 steps above the rest. Plus, nobody fucks a pie, which is a welcome relief. I guess the pastry-violation will have to wait for the sequel "The Girl Next Door to Mrs. Glick at the End of the Block." (In development now)
The laughs, while crude, aren't stupid-crude, if that makes any sense. There are a couple of scenes that, while reverting to either naughty language or suggestive imagery, just feel a bit smarter than the jokes in crap like "Eurotrip".
Plus, Elisha Cuthbert wears a lot of revealing clothing. Now, I'm not saying this is a reason to see the movie. What I'm actually saying is that her "character" makes a lot of "bold choices" regarding "wardrobe" that would be "appropriate". And fortunately, Cuthbert is a bold and brave enough actress to make these sacrifices for her character.
Dammit all to hell...one more minute, I promise...
<1 minute later>
Okay...let's finish this up. For some reason, I feel like my energy has been drained.
"No, SERIOUSLY, she's with me! Why do you keep laughing?"
Hirsch is sort of blandly likable as Matthew, although he does strike me as vaguely Hobbit-like. The best performances come from the supporting characters: Marquette, Olyphant, and Paul Dano as the unfortunately-named "Klitz" are all standouts here.
But where the movie ultimately fails is in the pacing and overall direction. So far, the only movie I've ever heard of that Greenfield has directed is "The Animal" which for some reason I never bothered to see. Probably because I refuse to see any movie co-starring a "Survivor" castaway on general principle, and throwing Rob Schneider into the mix only sweetens the deal.
Here's my request to Hollywood: if you ever hire this Greenfield guy again, FORCE editors on him. I'm not kidding here, kids. This movie should have been at LEAST 20 minutes shorter. Scenes that don't go anywhere just drag, and drag, and drag. On top of that, in the last half hour, we're treated to at least 2 "fake" endings. These are the points of the movie where the credits could have rolled without any problem. But, for some reason, as soon as this "final scene" is finished, an all-NEW crisis pops up. A better director could have woven these crises together seamlessly, but instead, Greenfield seems to want to piece the whole movie together like 5 distinct episodes of a sitcom that you get to watch back-to-back.
So no, technically speaking, it's not a great movie. But the story is entertaining, and when it's funny it's VERY funny. Plus, the performances are generally winning and charming.
And if all else fails, you get to see a LOT of Elisha Cuthbert. Wet, at that....
...here we go again...don't wait up...