The Matrix: Revolutions
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Ann Moss
Directed by: Andy and Larry Wachowski

Rating: 3 (out of 5)

Visit the official website here!

Here we go again.

First of all, I got a lot of feedback on my review of "The Matrix: Reloaded". A lot of people enjoyed it, especially the super-dorky trivia that I had noted from IMDB.com. So let's start off with some more:

"The black cat at the end of the film is the same one in the 'deja-vu' scene from The Matrix. It even meows in the same way."

Wow...it even MEOWS the same way! How about that? How well do you have to train a cat to get it to meow the SAME WAY TWICE? Note to whomever posted this...It's a CAT, moron. Of COURSE it meows the same way. Get off the Internet and go try to meet a girl or something.

I'm sorry. I know that sounded really hostile. But hostile is just the way I feel after watching "The Matrix: Revolutions". I think we can all agree that the first movie kicked serious ass. And I really enjoyed the second one too, despite the 45 long, boring minutes at the beginning.

"Man, my landlord will NEVER give my security deposit back now..."

So why, oh why, did the Wachowskis choose to end this movie with such a lame, boring, predictable final chapter? This is easily the "Return of the Jedi" of this series here, kids.

Let's start at the beginning. "Reloaded" ended suddenly, with Neo (Keanu Reeves) in a coma - and believe it or not, Reeves can ALMOST pull this off, performance-wise, although it does feel bland and forced.

So obviously, the best place to start "Revolutions" is about 10 SECONDS after the end of "Reloaded". Because there's no reason for any STORY to have happened in the meantime. Then again, it could be argued that not a lot of story happened in "Reloaded", either.

So, while Neo is napping, the citizens of Zion are working their asses off trying to prepare for the upcoming attack by the machines. They do this by - wait for it - building machines of their own. It makes a certain kind of sense, when you think about it: What better way to stop a murderous horde of sentient machinery than with a few Battlebots?

"These are not the droids you're looking for..."

Okay, I lied. It doesn't make any sense at all. Hey, Zion, you want a game plan? Why don't you try UNPLUGGING THE FUCKING THING. Cut the hydro, and presto - no more problems.

But back to poor Ne-whoa. He's trapped somewhere between the real world and the Matrix in this limbo-like state. Actually, this Limbo-like state is in a subway station somewhere. To me, this makes a lot of sense, because if you've ever taken public transportation anywhere in Toronto on a Sunday, you know a LOT about Limbo. Bring a book, is what I'm saying here. Oh, and the station is called "Mobil", which is a very clever anagram of "Limbo". Pretty good, huh? And I didn't even turn to the Web to figure THAT one out.

So Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), Trinity (Moss), and that Seraph guy (Sing Ngai) head to the French guy's club to try and barter for his freedom or something. I guess just shaking him awake isn't good enough. They actually had a golden opportunity here to put Ne-whoa's hand in a bowl of warm water to make him piss himself, but like so many other Matrix opportunities, it was squandered.

"They say this cat Morpheus is a bad mother..." "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

So what follows is arguably one of the best fight scenes in the series. See, they aren't content just to fight. Hell, even doing that overdone wall-running thing wasn't good enough here. No, my friends, THIS time, they fight on the friggin' ceiling!! And let me tell you, you haven't LIVED until you've fought on the ceiling. Oh, what a feeling when you're fighting on the ceiling...

There's this crazy homeless guy who's apparently in charge of the subway station too, but to be honest, he just confused the hell out of me, so the less said about him, the better.

An aside: I found a LOT of "The Matrix: Revolutions" hard to follow, to be honest. I chalk this up to the fact that I was stone-cold sober when I watched it. When I was a kid (in my long-hair Ozzy-worshipping days) I drank a fair bit, but surprisingly enough, I wasn't much into drugs. I'm still not. It's not a moral thing or anything, but even pot tends to make me really sick. I guess my system doesn't really handle it well. My friend Tallula will tell you exactly how fucked up pot gets me, even now. But back then, a had a few friends that would tell me that the movie "The Wall" ONLY makes sense if you're stoned. I watched it straight, and it made perfect sense to me. I chalked this up to the fact that a lot of my friends were burnouts. But they might have been on to something. The point I'm making here is, perhaps I need to be completely hammered for this to make sense. I was blotto when I watched "The Matrix: Reloaded", and I was smack-dab in the middle of a 9-month bender when I saw the first "Matrix", so maybe that's the key.

Okay, c'mere, Mr. Vanilla Vodka. We need to get friendly so I can watch "The Matrix: Revolutions" again. Back in a bit.

129 MINUTES LATER

you know what? I habent' got a fuckign clue what that was about. Keany reeves is a fucking pussy, man. And what was all that shit abot dancing on the celibng? That movie is just fucking fucked up, man. Shit, I don't feel so good. Maybe I should like down of

somethingnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

12 HOURS LATER

Oh, my head.

Okay, so where was I?

"Waiter, my calamari tastes a little...metallic.."

Oh yes, the epic battle of man versus machine. This sequence quite frankly rocked my pathetic, binge-drinking little world. Zion falls under attack from the machines, especially the squid-like Sentinels, and what follows is a 20 minute squid-versus-battlebot cage match that really is epic in scope. Even on home video, this will blow you away. Sure, there's absolutely no story advancement here. It's really a long orgy of CGI trickery, but it's a GOOD orgy. It's not one of those orgies you go to when everybody is really fat and ugly and drunk. It's one of those adult-movie fantasy orgies.

Not that I know a lot about orgies or anything. Except for this one time...

Never mind.

Well, there's a third party here, and it's the nefarious Agent Smith program (Hugo Weaving). He's still replicating, and has more or less taken over The Matrix. And he won't rest until the machines and the humans bow to him, or the world is destroyed, or some such sci-fi nonsense. In fact, he even manages to take human form as Bane (Ian Bliss), where he dukes it out with a suddenly Kung-Fu-less Ne-whoa. And after he takes care of THAT little problem, the newly handi-capable Ne-Whoa has to destroy Agent Smith in order to bring about peace between Man and Machine, and blah blah blah.

"I said mild wings! MILD WINGS!"

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of impressive stuff in this third instalment. I think the problem comes from the Wachowskis. I honestly believe they didn't have enough for two movies here. I think they had enough for a really good, 3 hour SINGLE movie, but got greedy. There, I said it. Sue me.

But a big problem with this one is that it almost ignores the things that made the first one great and the second one good...the whole "Fantasy Vs. Reality" thing. "Revolutions" takes place almost ENTIRELY in the "real world", which is dull and bland. Only rarely do we go back into the Matrix, and the movie as a whole suffers because of it. And yes, I know it's because the Matrix has been corrupted by Smith and all that, but still. Sure, they dress the "real world" up with cybersquids and battlebots, but that's just not enough.

"And then David Geffen said he just wanted to be friends..."

Also, I'm sorry, but now there's WAAAAY too many characters. I seriously felt like I needed a map trying to remember everybody and their place in the movie. But they weren't even INTERESTING characters! I didn't give a rat's ass about any of them. That's what makes the big Zion battle less a memorable moment in film history, and more just impressive eye-candy.

Performances...I've got to be honest here, every single person involved REALLY seems to be phoning it in. Reeves, well, he sucks, but we expect that. But everyone else seems to have caught the Neo virus here. Even the enormously talented Fishburne looks like he's just there to get paid. What doesn't help is the fact that Morpheus seems to have changed from a cool and unflappable cat to a kind of Lando Calrissian with a bad case of pot paranoia.

And one thing that REALLY pissed me off is the very obvious and heavy-handed Christian parallels. I don't want to give too much away here, but I have a REAL problem with Keanu Reeves as the Christ figure. It's just not believable. It's about as believable as Mel Gibson making a movie about Jesus performed entirely in Latin and Aramaic.

You know, these boy bands aren't even TRYING anymore...

As far as special features go, they seem underwhelming. I'll admit, I didn't watch them all, but what I did see seemed to be filler material. But, since I really just perused them, I can't really say. Sorry.

It's not a bad movie, but it just feels like the whole franchise was out of steam. And even though there's plenty of eye-poppingly cool shit happening, there's not a lot of substance to back it up. It's like the cinematic equivalent of a giant saltine cracker that LOOKS like a steak. Your appetite will still be satisfied, but you'll still be pretty disappointed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and smoke a joint while watching "The Wall'. I have a feeling that I've been missing out on something.