Hellboy
Starring: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair
Directed by: Guillermo Del Toro
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
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Who in the name of crap is Hellboy?
Good question. As a self-avowed occasional comic-book geek, I'll admit that I've seen some "Hellboy" titles in the shops from time to time. Usually, I paid them no attention, my attention riveted by the DOZENS of comics that line the walls - that I used to OWN as a kid - that are now worth hundreds of dollars.
It would generally go like this: I enter the comic book store, I walk around, pick up my Daredevil and Alias comics, then look at the wall. "Oh, I used to have that 'Avengers'...$80, huh? Well, ain't that a kick in the pants? Oooh, I had that X-Men too...and that Fantastic Four. Wow, they're worth a lot! I paid $1.25 for it...that's quite a profit. Hey! A first printing of 'The Killing Joke'! It's worth HOW much? DAMN, I wish I hadn't gotten rid of those books...they're worth a fortune now! Oh look! The original 'Transformers' series. HOLY FUCK! No, that must be a mistake...they CAN'T be worth that much!!! SON OF A BITCH!"
At this point, I'd go up to the clerk, and he'd say something like "Hey...if you like this darker stuff, you should check out 'Hellboy'...it's really good." But I'd be too consumed with fury at my lost riches to answer, so I'd respond by head-butting the clerk in the nose. There's a reason I'm not allowed in very many comic book stores any more. Nerds are so TOUCHY about that sort of thing.
So, short story long, I completely missed out on the whole "Hellboy" experience, so I had no idea what I was missing. All I knew about this movie going in is that Ron Perlman is the kind-of-homely guy who played the Beast in the old "Beauty And The Beast" TV show that I never watched. And I'm certain that the thought "How can he carry a movie?" crossed my mind.
"Yeah? Say that to my FACE, punk!"
Well, I'm wrong. He DOES carry the movie. And it's one of the best comic book movies you're bound to see, so you're in for a real treat.
The thing is though, the movie is silly. Silly as hell, actually. Now, I know with any superhero movie, there's a certain suspension of disbelief. It's the same kind of disbelief you feel when you used to watch a "Pier 1" commercial and say "Well, I KNOW that Kirstie Alley weighs about a million pounds, but they're lighting her softly and using flattering angles to minimize it, so I'll just PRETEND she's not a house."
It's pretty much impossible to do this with "Hellboy". There's no POSSIBLE way to suspend disbelief to that level. But you know what? After a while, you probably won't care.
This movie opens up right smack-dab in the middle of World War II. Apparently, the Nazis have been dabbling in the occult, which is no surprise to anyone who has ever seen the brilliant documentary "Raiders Of The Lost Ark". There's some sort of plot to open up a portal to the dark nether regions and summon a demon. Big deal. I open up a portal to the dark nether regions and summon a demon ALL THE TIME. Usually when I have to whiz.
Of course, what their crack intelligence didn't tell them was that all this hocus-pocus was courtesy of Rasputin (Karel Roden). Yes, Rasputin, the Mad Monk, dead since 1916. Lover of the Russian Queen, Russia's greatest love machine...it was a shame how he carried on. Yeah, so in this movie, he's still alive in the 40's.
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow
An aside: For those of you not up on your Russian history, Rasputin is actually a fascinating character, and quite possibly the biggest horn-dog to come along before Charlie Sheen. Considered by many to be a sort of miracle worker, he reportedly banged his way through the Imperial Family, gaining their trust. Then a group of aristocrats murdered him, but it wasn't easy. He drank poisoned wine and ate poisoned pastry without so much as a belch. Then they shot him a bunch of times...no dice. They tried stabbing him...again, no dice. This Rasputin was one TOUGH motherfucker. Finally, they wound up drowning him in the sub-zero Neva river. However, and here's where it gets interesting, they apparently CASTRATED him. It's true...for years, it's been rumored that "little Rasputin" has been preserved and in the hands of collectors or whatnot. This lack of a penis is what, in my opinion, makes him a PERFECT movie villain. Hey, if I'd been poisoned twice, shot, stabbed, and drowned, then had Little Naked taken from me, you'd better BELIEVE I'd be pissed.
So the US Army spoils the Nazis' little party and all Hell almost breaks loose. It's not for lack of trying, though. Rasputin is pretty tough for a guy who's been dead for at least 25 years, and he's got this trippy mechanical ninja-type Nazi helping him out. Yes, you read that right. A trippy, mechanical ninja-type Nazi. Let it go.
"The first clown to make a 'Luke, I'm your father' joke's gonna get it."
But something managed to get through the portal...a tiny, red, baby demon. Cute little fella, really. They give him a few Baby Ruth bars, and before long, the paranormal specialist with the army has decided to adopt him. This is really just a demonic version of the classic "He followed me home, mom...can I keep him?" story.
We then skip forward to present day. It turns out there have been rumors of "Hellboy" existing for years. He's a tabloid sensation, much like the Weekly World News' famous "Bat Boy". Peripherally aware of this is FBI agent John Myers (Rupert Evans), who has been asked to join this wacky little top-secret branch of the US Government that specializes in the paranormal. Heading up this agency is the aforementioned paranormal specialist, Professor Bruttenholm (John Hurt), who is now roughly 147 years old or so. He introduces Myers to some of the staff, like hyper-intelligent fish-man Abe Sapien (Doug Jones, voice by David Hyde Pierce), who, among other things, has a weakness for rotten eggs. This is also where we meet the adult Hellboy (Perlman), in all his cantankerous, hard-boiled glory.
"Don't look now, Professor, but we're on a dopey website!"
This is pretty much it, as far as story set-up goes. They get an alert that there's some wacky, paranormal activity going on at the local museum, and they investigate. Chaos ensues. They discover that Rasputin is back again, with the help of the aforementioned trippy, mechanical ninja-type Nazi. Apparently, the intervening, penis-free years have been especially rough for Rasputin, and he's even more pissed. So, he's summoning demons, which Hellboy and the rest of the crew have to fight. Over, and over, and over again. Fortunately, this is something Hellboy is only too happy to do.
Now keep in mind, Hellboy IS a demon, but from his "birth", he's been on the side of the Good Guys. And yes, he's a big, hulking menace with a gigantic right arm made of stone (The Right Hand Of Doom) and an enormous gun called "The Samaritan". But, he's a sweet guy at his core. He LOVES kittens, for starters. And nobody who loves kitties can be all bad. There's a great fight scene fairly early on, which I won't spoil, which drives this point home. I'll be honest, as CHEESY as it seems, it's funny as hell.
He's also in love. There's an ex-agent named Liz Sherman (Selma Blair). She's holed up in a mental institution based partially on her annoying habit of bursting into pillars of blue flame from time to time. After being locked up in the booby-hatch, she says she can control it better now. Of course, being locked up in the booby-hatch, she's probably not eating as many legumes as she used to, which no doubt helps. At any rate, Hellboy still loves her, and isn't afraid of her. He's fireproof, of course, which helps. Now THAT would be some HOT sex...get it? HOT sex? Because she shoots fire...and he's a demon...ah, to hell with it.
"You know, I heard about these little blue pills that might make those grow..."
So they go after Rasputin and the trippy, mechanical ninja-type Nazi, as well as these demon-squid things that have been released. It turns out that Rasputin is REALLY after Hellboy, and yadda yadda yadda.
This is one of those rare movies where plot really takes a back seat to visual wizardry and fun characters, and it's okay! Part of it is because the plot is so fucking outrageous. Let's face it, in ANY comic book movie, you've got to suspend disbelief, right? Well, in "Hellboy", you've got to suspend it over a volcano, allow the ropes to burn, dropping your disbelief into molten lava. Then you have to drop an enormous rock over the mouth of the volcano. THAT'S how out-there it is.
But silly, goofy, far-fetched movies are rarely this much fun. And I have 2 words to describe WHY it's this much fun.
Ron
Perlman
This guy's performance as Hellboy is utterly fantastic. Sure, he's buried under about 85 pounds of make-up and prosthetics, but he's still the only man for the job. He plays Hellboy like a big, gruff, angry Philip Marlowe or Sam Spade. He's got the attitude of the old pulpy detective heroes, and THAT'S a big part of where the fun comes from. The movie actually gets a little boring any time that Hellboy isn't on screen.
"It's not the SIZE of the weapon, it's what you DO with it that...aw, who am I kidding? It's the SIZE of the weapon. Am I right, ladies?"
Don't get me wrong...director Del Toro deserves a lot of credit too. He's created a fantastic alternate reality for the story to take place in. The action sequences are WAY over the top, but in a great way. There are a couple of minor annoyances, like the fact that ninja-Nazi can slice and dice a half-dozen security guards without spilling a drop of blood, but that's not so much Del Toro's fault as it is the studio demanding a PG-13 rating.
The other "extreme" characters are a lot of fun too, but that leads me to one minor criticism that I have: The human characters are BORING. These "freaks", as they call themselves, are so larger than life and fun to watch that you really don't give a rat's ass about the regular dudes. And, as a result, they're mostly written to be boring as well. The only "human" who gets really interesting is Jeffrey Tambor as agency head Dr. Tom Manning. But, the character is a bigger prick than Hank Kingsley, so that's a big part of it.
"Hellboy" is pure, escapist fun at its best. If you're looking for a good time, check it out. Just flush your disbelief down the toilet before you get there.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and open up a portal to the dark nether regions and summon a demon. I'm full of beer.