50 First Dates
Starring: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
Directed by: Peter Segal

Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for Adam Sandler.

I don't think this is Adam's fault, really. Sure, he made this bed way back in the day when he was singing stupid songs about his sweatshirt and talking in that high-pitched retard voice of his. The early works of Adam Sandler were, in my humble opinion, proof that society's collective IQ had dropped to the double-digit level.

I was willing to give him the odd compliment from time to time; "Happy Gilmore" was occasionally very funny, he was fairly charming in "The Wedding Singer", and I will admit to laughing every holiday season the first time I hear "The Hanukah Song" on the radio. But none of that made up for the horrible mental scarring that I experienced as a result of having to watch "Billy Madison."

I'm convinced that "Billy Madison" is responsible for pretty much every stupid thing that's been done in North America. For instance, check out THESE idiots. I guaran-fucking-TEE you that they JUST finished watching "Billy Madison" before that happened. I'm further convinced that "The Simple Life" wouldn't exist if it weren't for "Billy Madison", and that the video plays on a never-ending loop in the Oval Office.

But then a strange thing happened...Sandler almost completely redeemed himself. "Punch Drunk Love" was, for me, the best movie of 2002. It was expertly written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, which doesn't hurt. But Sandler's performance in that movie was nothing short of astonishing. And I'm not the only person that thought so, either. He came dangerously close to an Oscar nomination. I was thrilled, because his performance was fantastic, and deserving of the recognition.

At the same time, I was saddened, because the respect that I gained for Sandler meant that the only horribly unfunny SNL veterans left for me to mock would be Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chevy Chase, Ana Gasteyer, Horatio Sanz, Jim Belushi, Jim Breuer, Billy Crystal, Nora Dunn, Chris Elliot, Victoria Jackson, Chris Kattan, Kevin Nealon, Joe Piscopo, Jane Curtin, and Damon Wayans. An aside: I've seen Dennis Miller's new show, and he's getting dangerously close to taking Sandler's place on that list.

But the problem is that "Punch Drunk Love" made next to nothing at the box office. It made $17 million, and was out-grossed by such putrescent abominations as "Rollerball" and "Hart's War". It even made less than the 2 truly horrible movies Sandler made that year..."Eight Crazy Nights" and "Mr. Deeds". The message was clear: Society doesn't care if Adam Sandler can act...they want the angry, retarded idiot.

And this brings us, in a VERY roundabout way (as is my wont) to "50 First Dates". I think Sandler wanted to appease both camps with this one...it's a sweet, sometimes very touching love story...this will appease the few intelligent people that venture into Adam Sandler movies. At the same time, there's a bunch of gross, stupid, and utterly moronic gags from previous Sandler movies to sate the appetites of the double-digit IQ crowd. I mean, this has ALL the lowbrow earmarks of an adolescent-pleasing movie. To wit:

Unnecessary sexually ambiguous character: check.
Blatant references to other Adam Sandler movies: check.
Characters with speech impediments: check.
Rob Schneider: check.
Jokes about handicapped people: check.
Dick jokes: check. (okay, I make a lot of dick jokes too, so I can't fault him for that,)
Character sprayed with 10 gallons of walrus vomit: check.

And really, that's a shame, because otherwise this could have been a funny, touching movie. When it's good, it's actually very good.

This time out, Sandler plays Henry Roth, a Hawaiian veterinarian specializing in marine life. He's also the typical Lothario, only dating tourists. So, to sum up, he's a rich, successful guy who lives in Hawaii and gets laid a lot. Poor bastard.

His only goal in life is to fix up his boat and travel to Alaska, where he'll spend a couple of years studying the walrus, which appears to be his marine mammal of choice. Mine, of course, is the dolphin, because they taste so GOOD...especially the Star-Kist variety.

He's also a generally sweet guy...and apparently the only normal person working at the local Sea-World. His best friends are Ula (Schneider), a local stoner with about 91 kids who follow him everywhere, and some really creepy person who could be a woman or a man...we're not sure. Then of course, there's the oh-so-cute animals, like Jocko the walrus and Willie the penguin. They don't have any lines, though. His life is his job, his friends, and his conquests, and he LIKES it that way, dammit.

Then, one day, he meets Lucy (Barrymore) and his "perfect" life pretty much goes down the shitter. Lucy is a sweet but odd character. For instance, she likes to build architectural structures out of her waffles.

An aside: obviously, Lucy didn't have MY parents. There were certain rules in my house, and "building stuff out of waffles" DEFINITELY fell under the heading of "playing with food" and was rewarded with getting your forehead rapped with a spoon. You know, I COULD have been an architect. I could have been the I.M. Fucking Pei of Eggo, but no. Creativity had it's time and place, and apparently the breakfast table wasn't either one of them. The worst part is that my old man is going to see this movie and say "Awww...she's making houses out of waffles...isn't that cute?" And I'll have to stand up and scream "It wasn't so goddamn cute when I built the Brooklyn Bridge out of fucking pancakes, was it?" My bridge was awesome, too...I had an East River full of syrup and everything. That's fine, though...when it comes time to stick them in a home, I'll make sure it's a home designed by that hack Frank Gehry, just to rub in the fact that it could have been a home that I designed, if they hadn't stifled my dreams...

...man, I've got to stop drinking before I write these things.

So back to the movie. Henry and Lucy hit it off immediately, and pretty much fall in love on the spot. She invites him back to the same diner for breakfast again the following morning - an offer our hero happily accepts. But when he shows up again the next day, there's a wrinkle...she doesn't seem to have the slightest idea who Henry is. At first, it seems like a blow-off, and one that I have more than a passing acquaintance with. If I had a nickel for every woman that pretended not to know me, I wouldn't have to work Day Job. Hell, at my first WEDDING, my ex-wife turned to me during the vows and said "...and you are...?"

I kid, of course. My ex-wife is a fine person who probably only WISHES she'd said that. On a related note, please do not forward this review to her lawyer.

No, in this case, Lucy genuinely doesn't recognize him. This is because she suffers from a short-term memory problem. After being in a rather serious car accident, her brain was damaged. As a result, her short-term memory is erased every time she falls asleep. To Lucy, every single day is her father's birthday. Now, her father Marlon (Blake Clark), brother Doug (a surprisingly hilarious Sean Astin) and everyone else she knows go to incredible lengths to make her THINK that every day is the same day. It's actually very sweet and touching.

Once Henry realizes this, he gets all male on us and tries to convince everyone that if she fell for him once, she can fall for him again. Because nothing says "love" like a little macho posturing. But, of course, he's really in love with her deep down inside. Making her fall in love with him every single day is the best thing that ever happened to him. And it's good for her, too. After a while, even her suspicious family warms up to him and his futile dedication to her.

See, all THIS is the stuff that I LIKED. At its core, "50 First Dates" is a pretty nice love story. While doing press for the movie, Barrymore herself expressed admiration for the concept of trying to have someone love you every single day. And it IS a very romantic concept...I'm man enough to admit that. Why they had to go and fuck up a perfectly good love-story with walrus vomit is beyond me.

The key to this movie working is the chemistry between Sandler and Barrymore. They work WELL together. It's very easy to believe that they really, truly love each other. They're both decent actors, but their best scenes here are with each other. They're not Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, but they're still a nice on-screen couple.

The problem is that the movie didn't HAVE to go for the big "Sandler" laughs. It does fine as a comic love story, and the slap-sticky, gross-outy moments sprinkled throughout distract from it. Sure, some frat boys may like this stuff, but as far as I'm concerned, they can keep ripping the back ends off their cars, and leave the movie watching to us educated folk.

The performances are actually pretty good, too. Sandler is...okay, when he's not trying too hard to be funny. Barrymore is a standout here...she's got the toughest job; she needs to be funny, yet she has to convincingly discover her own condition more than once. She does a great job of it...this is probably her best performance.

Also surprisingly good is Rob Schneider as Ula. I hate Schneider, but I have to admit that he has some big laughs here. Sean Astin is very, very funny as well as Doug, a bodybuilder who just might have some chemical help with his bulking-up regimen. He also speaks with a lisp, a choice that seems to be made simply because people think that lisps are funny. I hate to admit it, but it works. Hey, I never said I was IMMUNE to lowbrow comedy...

There's just too much lowbrow stuff here for me to really recommend the film. The walrus-vomit scene is about 5 minutes into the movie, and to be honest, it ruined the rest of it for me. Sorry, but walrus vomit isn't funny. (by the way, this marks the first time in the history of the English language that the sentence "walrus vomit isn't funny" has ever been written.)

My advice? Wait for video. If you HAVE to see it, then do this: if you're going with your girlfriend, then purposely go in 10 minutes late. On the other hand, if you're with the "boys" from the "dorm", then you can feel free to leave after the first 10 minutes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on plans for a Pop-Tart sculpture of the Arc de Triomphe. Take THAT, Dad!