The Dreamers
Starring: Michael Pitt, Eva Green
Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

First: A disclaimer. I can't imagine anyone under the age of 17 reading
my reviews in the first place, but on the off chance you are, don't read
this one.

See, the Motion Picture Association of America has seen fit to give this
movie an NC17 rating. This means it's not suitable for minors. And,
quite frankly, it isn't.

This isn't because it's a violent film, because it isn't. Far from it.
In fact, it's a profoundly un-violent film. The lead character, in fact,
is a pacifist.

No, see, this movie is unsuitable for kids because...well, it has S-E-X
in it. And not just regular sex. After all, movies like "Basic Instinct"
and "American Pie" have sex in them. But THOSE movies feature healthy
sex, you see. Naked women, straight guys having sex with naked
women...all this is just hunky-dory. No, this movie contains SEX,
complete with bare penises and a vague homoerotic subtext. And we CAN'T
HAVE THAT!!!

Even nudity is getting a bum rap these days. Apparently Janet Jackson's
nipple was exposed for about a millisecond the other night, and half the
country is in shock. Because, see, nudity is anti-family. Meanwhile, as
my good friend Milo pointed out, it happened midway through a game where
hitting people and throwing them violently to the ground is considered
"strategy".

The reason I bring this all up is because of the rating for this
movie...as you might have heard, it's NC17. And I have no problem with
that...it SHOULD be NC17. But what I'm sick and tired of is movies with
an NC17 rating being blackballed the way they are.

For my American readers: We have an R rating here, which means "Nobody
under 18, for any reason." It's accepted and treated as any other
rating. The movies are shown in regular movie theatres, and advertised
the same. In my 31+ years on this planet, I've NEVER heard of a studio
complaining that their box office suffered as a result of an R rating.

What gets me most is that it's sex and sexuality that gets the bum rap
here, and not violence. And most times, it has to do with Male Nudity or
Homoerotic scenes. I've got a news flash for the MPAA...straight teenage
boys don't WANT to see a movie with homoerotic content! And movies don't
turn people gay. I was 16 years old when I first saw "My Fair Lady" and
I loved it, yet I'm straight. If ANY movie will turn a straight kid gay,
it's "My Fair Lady". Get over it.

Ok...soapbox off. Now on to the movie. Which is apparently pornographic
trash, regardless of the fact that it's one of the world's most
celebrated filmmakers directing it.

As the movie opens, we meet Matthew (Michael Pitt). He's a young
American Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike in Paris in 1968. Matthew is a
student who doesn't appear to ever go to school. Instead, he spends his
day at the Cinematheque Francaise, because he's a self-proclaimed
"cinephile". I'm aware that "cinephile" isn't a word; by the way...just
think of it as an uber-pretentious way of saying "movie nut".

An aside: The above describes pretty much most of my high-school career.
Only, instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, I kind of looked like a long-haired
version of "Screech" from "Saved By The Bell". Oh, and instead of
spending my time in pretentious movie-houses, I pretty much hung out at
my buddy Cory's place getting drunk and watching "Honey, I Shrunk The
Kids" with his dopey little brothers. But, other than that, it was me to
a T.

It seems that the Paris of 1968 was rife with cultural unrest, and the
French government shuts down the theatre. I guess they were showing
movies with a homoerotic subtext that was turning straight boys gay. The
place is surrounded by protesters, and it's there that Matthew meets
Isabelle (Eva Green) and falls for her immediately. She's pretty, pouty,
teasing, and chained to a door, so what's not to like? Huh? Am I right,
fellas?

She introduces Matthew to her twin brother Theo (Louis Garrel). He's
pouty as well, but more in the brooding-sociopath kind of way. And,
having been dumped for more than one brooding sociopath in my day, I'm
tempted to say here "So what's not to like? Huh? Am I right, ladies?"
But I won't. The three of them take off just as the protest is getting
really good and spend the rest of the day together.

An aside: This is one thing I couldn't shake through the entire movie.
Carrel looks - to me - disturbingly like Canadian comic Daryn Jones.
This means nothing to my American friends, so I'll post a couple of
links here:

Louis Garrel (He's the black haired guy that doesn't look like DiCaprio)

Daryn Jones (He's the white guy that doesn't look like DiCaprio)

So ladies, if you've ever had a burning desire to see what Daryn Jones
looks like naked (and there must be at least one), then RUN to see this
movie.

So, back to the movie: The three of them get along famously, which isn't
too tough considering that Matthew is kind of a lonely, whiny guy
without a singly friend in all of France. This kid REEKS of desperation
and clinginess, the same way that Star Jones must reek of cheap shoes
and Krispy Kremes. That night, when he gets back to his rat-infested
boarding house, he's positively beaming. He writes a letter to his
mother, telling her about the wonderful people he's just met. Then
he...he...oh no...he's NOT doing that!

My friends, what I am about to write may disturb you: as he's writing a
letter to HIS MOTHER, he starts to, um, tug. Rub one out. Do the
five-knuckle-shuffle. Test fire the DNA cannon. Now, it's obvious that
it's the thought of his new FRIENDS, and not his mother, that's making
him indulge in self-pleasure, the fact remains that he's WRITING A
LETTER TO HIS MOTHER! That's the LAST person you want to have in the
back of your mind while pulling the goalie, unless your name is Oedipus.
In point of fact, the reason that most GUYS don't call or write their
mothers after they leave home is because they spend most of their time
either having sex or masturbating. It's a mood killer.

And yet, this is not the only disturbing image in the movie.

Theo and Isabelle's parents decide, for whatever reason, to leave town
for a while. So, they entrust their luxurious apartment to their kids,
who waste no time in inviting their new friend to move in with them for
a spell. And despite their differences, they all get along quite well.
It's their mutual love of film that brings them together at first.
Isabelle and Theo enjoy acting out scenes from their favorite movies,
and they draw Matthew into this. And here's the pretty brilliant
part...every time they act out their movies, Bertolucci shows us the
ORIGINAL scenes as well.

As a movie lover, this is cool. So, you're watching "The Dreamers", and
yet you still get to see memorable, classic scenes from movies like
"City Lights", "Rebel Without A Cause", "Scarface", "A Touch Of Evil",
and even "Freaks". If nothing else, this movie left me with a profound
desire to seek out these other movies and watch them.

But things can't be hunky-dory forever. If the vaguely Oedipal scene
with Matthew wasn't disturbing enough, it becomes clear very quickly
that Theo and Isabelle are close. VERY close. WAAAAY closer than any
brother and sister, twins or not, should be. And as they play their
games, they drag Matthew right down with them.

By the way, as all this is going on, outside Paris is degenerating into
a violent, revolutionary mess. But a lot of the time, they're too busy
having sex, philosophical discussions, and drinking to notice. Hey,
other then the philosophical discussions, doesn't sound like a bad way
to spend a revolution, when you think about it.

Ok, so the fact that this is a Bertolucci film isn't all that
surprising. He's danced with the censors before. If you've ever seen
"Last Tango In Paris", I pretty much guarantee that you've never looked
at a stick of butter the same way again. Of course, his
non-controversial films are pretty incredible too. Let's face it, the
man's no slouch. And in the hands of a lesser director, this movie could
have been a nearly unwatchable, overly explicit mess.

But it's not. It's actually very intelligent, and well written, paced,
shot, and acted. Especially if you're a film-lover...this is manna to a
"cinephile". I mean, don't get me wrong, it's creepy as hell at times,
but at least it causes a reaction.

In fact, it works well on three different levels...as a love letter to
cinema, as a cultural debate and a look at revolution, and as a
creepy-as-hell examination of repressed sexuality. The problem is it
wants to be all of them at the same time. You'll have a bunch of creepy
sex, then all of a sudden there's a big debate about Vietnam, then a
loving re-enactment of Dietrich in "The Blue Angel". In short, at times
it feels like it's trying too hard to be all three of these things at
once.

But, it's still a pretty good movie overall. As long as S-E-X doesn't
bother you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and allow myself to
be caressed by the strong, yet sensitive, hands of Ramon, the "confirmed
bachelor" that lives across the hall...

...Hey, wait a minute..."MY FAIR LADY" TURNED ME GAY! Son of a bitch!