Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!
Starring: Kate Bosworth, Topher Grace
Directed by: Robert Luketic

Rating: 3 out of 5

I could have been a matinee idol, you know.

It's true, too. Take a look at some of the world's top actors...I share ALL of their defining qualities. To wit:

BAD TEETH: Steve Buscemi
UNTAMEABLE, PREMATURELY GREY HAIR: Richard Dreyfuss, Al Pacino
DEEP, CREEPY VOICE: James Earl Jones, Christopher Walken
FAT: Gerard Depardieu, Jack Black, Alec Baldwin
THIN, GANGLY ARMS AND LEGS: Adrien Brody, Willam H. Macy

See? I have ALL those qualities, while those guys only have one each! By all rights, I should have a dozen Oscars, 5 Golden Globes, and a People's Choice Award by now. Throw in Jennifer Lopez's enormous ass, and I could have a Grammy, too.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I, by all rights, should have landed a role in the new comedy "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!" After all, I have the movie-star qualities to make a convincing "star", or I could have easily been the hometown boy. Although, to be fair, Topher Grace has the hair and the gangly limbs, so he's decent competition.

What brought this on, you ask? Well, the two male leads in this romantic comedy are relatively unknown. Grace never had a professional job to his name before landing the lead in "That 70's Show," The other lead, Josh Duhamel, is some dude that NOBODY has ever heard of. Except for Mrs. Naked, who informed me that he's on that NBC show "Las Vegas" that nobody watches. Come to think of it, she watches a few shows that nobody else does...she may very well be a Neilson family and not know it.

Oh, and the object of their affection? She ain't exactly perfect either. Sure, Kate Bosworth is as cute as a button, but she's got one blue eye and one gray eye. I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with that, but, well, it's kind of freaky.

As the movie opens, we're treated to the end of a Typical Hollywood Movie. Watching it in the theater are 3 good friends; Rosalee (Bosworth), Cathy (Gennifer Goodwin) and Pete (Grace). The girls are, predictably, swooning over the hunky Tad Hamilton (Duhamel) while Pete sits back and makes snide remarks. So, to be honest, I like this Pete guy already.

But, shockingly, Tad isn't all he seems. He's a hard drinking, drug-ingesting, groupie-fondling reprobate who's bent on out-Charlie-Sheening Charlie Sheen. He drives fast and lives FASTER, baby! So, to be honest, I like this Tad guy already.

Of course, this isn't sitting well with his agent and manager (Nathan Lane and Sean Hayes). They think he's committing career suicide. Yes, because when Hollywood-types start acting all weird and stuff, nobody EVER pays attention to them. Apparently, this sort of behavior is causing a prominent director to think twice about casting him. Of course, the guy's got a fridge full of champagne that, per bottle, costs more than my rent. Boo fucking hoo. I'd love to have his problems.

So, they concoct this hare-brained scheme straight out of "Tiger Beat" magazine. They invent this "Win A Date" charity contest for him. Contestants have to donate some insane amount of money to a charity, and the winner gets a night on the town with ol' Hunky-Pecs. I'd buy this as a good idea if this were a high-school comedy starring Justin Timberlake, but since they're all APPARENTLY adults, it rings hollow.

Don't believe me? Ok, ladies, a show of hands please...how many of YOU would pay money to enter a contest to win a date with John Cusack?

Ok, put your hands down. Christ...that Cusack guy gets them every time. Let's try something else. GUYS...a show of hands...how many of you would pay money to enter a contest to win a date with Britney Spears?

Fine. Point made. I can't count on ANY of you to back me up here, can I?

ANYWAY, back in small-town West Virginia, the three friends all work at the local Piggly Wiggly. I'm not exactly a world traveler, but I AM familiar with the Piggly Wiggly chain of grocery stores. Unlike, say, the four 14-year-old girls behind me who giggled like they were on laughing gas every time the words were mentioned or seen on screen. I tell you; I was THIS far away from standing up and yelling "YES! The store is called the PIGGLY WIGGLY! It's a REAL STORE with a FUNNY NAME! Get the fuck OVER it!" But, that probably would have gotten me maced.

Rosalee decides she's going to enter. So her, Cathy, and the rest of the staff set up collection tins all over the store and harass the hell out of shoppers for donations, just so Rosalee can enter this stupid contest. Pete, meanwhile, is the manager of the store, and just LETS them do this. I'd have fired ALL their asses for annoying customers, but I guess I just have a hard heart. Oh, and as it turns out, in true Romantic Comedy fashion, Pete's secretly in love with Rosalee...which, by the way, is the worst-kept secret on the PLANET. More people know this than the identity of Nicole Brown-Simpson's "real" killer.

And then, because this is a Romantic Comedy, she wins! YAY! She gets to go to LA and go on a date with a barely-interested superstar! And, naturally, Pete is jealous, but won't admit it. Except for the fact that, at the airport, he pretty much begs her not to sleep with Tad. Yeah...the old desperation technique...serving Romantic Comedies since 1915.

So, Rosalee's off to La-La-Land. What follows is pretty much the same thing you'll see in any random episode of MTV's "Becoming...". She sees all sorts of "really weird" California types, because, you see, she's from West Virginia. A fish-out-of-water, so to speak. And then, before you know it, it's date time.

Now, for some reason, Tad's not all that thrilled about being more-or-less sold off to some random chick from West Virginia (or, as he calls her, an "Okie", proving that public schools need to start focusing more on either Geography or Derogatory Slurs.) This lasts all of about 10 seconds, until she answers the door of her hotel room. After that, he pretty much can't take his eyes off her. This is either because she's cute-as-a-button, or because she's got FREAKY EYES.

They go out, eat, have some fun, and get to know each other. Now, having seen the ads, can you guess where this leads?

Soon, ol' Six-Pack-Abs has packed up and headed to West Virginia to try and woo this fair maiden. And, as impressive as that is to the townsfolk, there's at least ONE fella who doesn't take too kindly to that. Hilarity, of course, ensues.

To be honest, this is a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. A chick-flick, if you will. But, actually, you shouldn't write it off altogether. There's actually a fair bit to like about it.

Mostly, it's in the casting. Despite the fact that they didn't cast me, all of the characters are pretty likable. Grace plays...well...he's pretty much the same character he plays on "That 70's Show". Fortunately, I LIKE that character, so it's not too bad. Word of warning, Topher; don't make a career out of playing the lovable shlub. Billy Crystal will be the first to tell you, it doesn't last forever. Bosworth is fine as well, although due to her FREAKY EYES, it kind of felt like she was cast in "Village Of The Half Damned". As for Duhamel...you know, I get the feeling that he's a hunky doofus in real life, so he's harmless. I'll be honest though, I do think casting a relative unknown as a huge star was a nice touch.

Where and when it works is mainly due to the writing. I mean, it's formulaic at its core, but there's some nice stuff there. Notably, a lot of the Hollywood-is-a-joke gags were a fun diversion...but at the same time, generally nothing you haven't seen before. Gary Cole as Rosalee's father has some pretty nice moments as he tries to pass himself off as being "in the know" about showbiz. The biggest laugh I got was seeing him lounging around in a "Project Greenlight" T-Shirt. It's the little touches, like that one, that work.

Performance-wise, it's Ginette Goodwin as Cathy who really stands out here. She's got a fun part as the overly-enthusiastic best friend, but she plays it with gusto, and her timing is impeccable. Plus, for my money, she's even cuter than Bosworth...and it has nothing to do with FREAKY EYES! She's not well known, but if you've been lucky enough to catch the show "Ed", you'll recognize her as "Diane Snyder", the high-school student who was the object of affection of a couple of the younger characters. She's got a nice comic touch, and I'd like to see what she does next.

On the disappointment side are Nathan Lane and Sean Hayes. They're both incredible comic actors, but they're given DICK to do here. The characters are caricatures with very little screen time and even less opportunity to cut loose and do what they do best. Basically, the parts were underwritten, and it's a waste of perfectly good talent.

If I had to sum this movie up in a word (yes, I know, it would be a welcome relief) I'd call it "harmless". It's a standard romantic comedy with some good laughs and few surprises. And, if you're a guy, you'll probably score some brownie points for taking the girlfriend as well. Generally, you could do worse.

Unless, of course, you have a thing for cute blonde girls with FREAKY EYES...in which case this is your "Citizen Kane."