The Cooler
Starring: William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin
Written and Directed by: Wayne Kramer

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

"Luck, be a lady tonight!"

I've sung those words to myself roughly a million times in my 30-ish years on this rock. Usually at night, on my way to the bar, hoping to get "lucky" with a "lady". And, like the casinos in Vegas, the odds were never in my favor. Sure, sometimes I hit an inside straight or a triple-cherry, but mostly, I wound up crapping out, spending all my money, and drinking weak cocktails.

(The preceding paragraph was brought to you by the Council for Awareness of Lame Metaphors...serving the world's critics since 1955!)

Wait! I'm not done! My losing streak finally ended when I hit the Royal Flush, Triple 7, Hard 8 that is Mrs. Naked.

There...with any luck, that should make up for me talking about Katharine Isabelle's breasts the other day. (Note to self: edit this part out later, otherwise she'll thump me.)

You see, what I'm trying to do here, in a roundabout, lame way, is bring up the general concept of "The Cooler". See, it's all about luck, and love, and how the two are related. It's also all about William H. Macy's bare ass, although to be fair, that's a sub-plot.

It will come as a bit of a shock to about 4 of you that Macy plays a bit of a loser in this movie. The dude's CAREER has been playing one lovable loser after another. There's just something about his face, I guess. Here, the loser is Bernie Lootz, the unluckiest man in Las Vegas. Even unluckier than the tool that Britney Spears married. Unluckier than Roy Horn. Unluckier than someone who shelled out 200 bucks to see Celine Dion's show, only to realize that they just paid 200 BUCKS to see CELINE FUCKING DION.

In fact, he's so unlucky that he's contagious. He works at the Shangri-La casino as their resident "cooler". If someone is on a hot streak, Bernie shows up, and all of a sudden, the luck disappears faster than a Krispy Kreme at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

An aside: This might seem a little far-fetched, but you have to remember that gamblers are a superstitious bunch. I've been to Vegas 3 times, and I love it there (I don't really like to gamble much, but I'm a SUCKER for $3.99 buffet dinners!). Once, I sat down at to play blackjack and, after about a half hour, I almost got into a fistfight with a loser at the same table. Why? Because this douchebag had been "up" before I sat down. Apparently, my winning and his losing was due directly to my "stealing" the luck at the table. EVERY single hand I'd win, he'd lose, and he'd become more agitated. "Look! You just STOLE that Queen from me! Go sit at another table! I was doing just fine before you sat down!" He was eventually escorted out by security after physically threatening me, but, to be fair, the threats MAY have been due to my saying, if I recall correctly, "Fuck off, jerkass." Interesting side-note here...the second he left the table, I stopped winning.

So, that's Bernie's lot in life...to suck all the luck out of the room. He works at the casino for Shelly (Baldwin), the last of the old-school Vegas operators. And when I say "Old School", I mean Bugsy Siegel style. He employs aging, old-fashioned lounge singers (Paul Sorvino in a small but memorable role) and likes to "take care" of cheaters by beating them senseless.

In fact, the reason Bernie works for Shelley is because he owes him. Apparently, Bernie was once a gambling addict who owed half of Vegas money. Shelley "took care" of the debts, with 2 conditions...a) Bernie had to work off the debt, and b) Shelly got to pulverize Bernie's kneecap. Hey...what are friends for, right?

Well, the debt is very nearly paid off, and Bernie's looking forward to getting the hell out of Sin City for good. Shelly's not so thrilled about this...he's losing his best asset, after all. But then a funny thing happens...Bernie meets Natalie (Maria Bello), a cocktail waitress at the Shangri-La. For some reason, she likes what she sees in the lovable loser, and they begin to fall in love. That's great, right?

Not so much for Shelly. See, the happier Bernie is, the LUCKIER he is! And a Cooler isn't much good if he makes people win more. That's just basic mob-run-casino-economics 101 (a course now available at DeVry.)

Of course, there are other things to contend with. For instance, Bernie is paid a visit by his no-account loser of a son (Shawn Hatosy) who basically shows up, insults him, then begs for money. Meanwhile, Shelly's got his hands full as well. The owner of the casino has brought in Larry (Ron Livingston). This guy wants to gut the Shangri-La and revamp it, essentially Disney-fying it. Shelly, of course, doesn't want to have anything to do with it, preferring to keep the spirit of "classic Vegas."

An aside: If you're not familiar with Vegas, a lot of this might go over your head. Essentially, there are 2 casino districts. There's the South strip, which is where all the flashy casinos are. The MGM Grand, The Luxor, the Bellagio, the Mirage...they're all basically resorts with a ton of flashy attractions, and run by big corporations. Then there's the North end, which is Fremont Street. This, quite frankly, is where the dives are. Crappy casinos with cigarette burns in the tables, low minimums, and even barkers who yell at you as you pass by, trying to get in. I swear, it's like passing a strip club in New York, only instead of yelling "NUDE WOMEN!" they yell "HEY! GET IN HERE AND GAMBLE...YOU LOOK LUCKY!" This is where all the problem gamblers seem to congregate. It's actually pretty scary.

So, the point here is that Larry wants to turn the place into a South Strip type place, while Shelly wants it to remain a North Strip type place. Not the wisest business decision I've ever heard, but hell, it's not MY casino.

So, while Shelly's dealing with all of this, Bernie's never been happier...or luckier. I should probably point out that Bernie and Natalie have a LOT of sex. And by "a lot", I mean you're going to see a lot of them...probably more than you ever wanted to. Unless, of course, you have a burning desire to see William H. Macy's bathing suit area.

Will love conquer all? Is Natalie all that she appears to be? Will Shelly get a chance to beat the living shit out of a cheater? I'm not saying. Then you wouldn't need to see the movie, now would you?

The biggest asset this movie has is Alec Baldwin. Remember how great he was in "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Remember how he hasn't made a good movie since then? Well, he's back. He chews the scenery here like NOBODY'S business. It's a phenomenal performance...I'd even go so far as to say that his performance alone is worth the price of admission. And I'm saying that about a BALDWIN! And as my good friend Johnny Pintauro pointed out to me, he's "mercifully gel-free". In my opinion, he's a lock for an Oscar nomination.

Also very good is Maria Bello as Natalie. Her chemistry with Macy is excellent, and as a result, this unlikely romance never feels forced or acted. In fact, their relationship in the movie works because it never really feels like they've just met...they sort of gel like 2 people who have known each other for years...and if you've ever been in a relationship like that, you know the difference between love and infatuation. For me, as a viewer, that adds a kind of legitimacy. Oh, you're going to see a lot more of her than you ever thought you would as well. It almost makes up for having to see William H. Macy's pubic area...almost.

Speaking of Macy, he's the closest thing to a disappointment that there is here. He's not BAD, but I just feel like I've seen this performance from him before. I had a hard time relating to "Bernie" as a character...I was only really seeing him as "Macy".

As for the story...it's okay. It certainly is a great concept, but at no point does it leap off the screen and pull you right in. There's no huge surprises, and it's kind of predictable. The end has some surprises in it...but it's way, waaaay to dark in relation to the rest of the movie. You're also dealing with a story about luck...and as a result, there are a few moments that really do strain at credibility. It's got a decent pace though, and never drags, so that's good.

The Cooler is like a Vegas cocktail. It's better than you think it will be, especially based on the price you're paying. But it leaves you not-quite-satisfied.

And with that, my friends, I leave you to attend my induction ceremony for the "Lame Metaphor Hall Of Fame."