The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Starring: Sean Connery, Naseeruddin Shah
Directed by: Stephen Norrington

Rating: 1.5 (out of 5)

I think I've been pretty up front in the past about being a comic book geek. Actually, come to think of it, I've also admitted to being a video game geek, sci fi geek, and movie/dvd geek. I figure I'm about one geek away from carrying around 20-sided dice in a waterproof leather pouch.

So fine. I'm a comic book geek. I'm also a huge fan of the graphic novel "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen". It's considered by many to be a classic. It was written by Alan Moore, who is arguably the best writer in the business. For those of you who give a rat's ass, he also wrote the anarchic classic "V For Vendetta", "From Hell" (which was somewhat bastardized on film) "The Killing Joke" (the origin of The Joker, which directly influenced Tim Burton's "Batman") and "Watchmen" which is probably the best comic-book story ever told, and deserves to be read by everyone, fan of the genre or not. It's THAT good.

Why do I suddenly have an urge to eat a hundred tacos and say "Worst. Episode. Ever."?

So of course, I was pretty excited that this truly original and brilliant story was being brought to the screen. In a sense, I firmly believe that comics have the potential to make great movies, if for no other reason than the fact that they've been technically storyboarded already. Just follow the general outline laid out by the original artist and author, and you've got gold, right?

That didn't happen this time. Now, I have no way of confirming this, but I'm of the very strong belief that screenwriter James Dale Robinson carefully studied Moore's graphic novel, then tore it up and used it as toilet paper. It's the only explanation for this ass-smear of a movie.

It's not the concept, because the concept is kind of brilliant. The greatest characters from 19th century literature band together and fight evil in Europe. It's a cool idea, although my good friend Butcher also made a salient point when he suggested that an alternate title could have been "The League Of Extraordinary Public Domain Gentlemen."

These characters are Alan Quartermain (Connery), Mina Harker (Jonathan Harker's wife in "Dracula", played here by Peta Wilson), The Invisible Man (Tony Curran), Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde (Jason Flemyng), and Captain Nemo (Shah). For some reason, for this movie version, they also added two characters...Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) and - inexplicably - Tom Fucking Sawyer (Shane Grey). Apparently, the suits in Hollywood didn't think that audiences would see a movie starring a bunch of foreigners, so they had to throw an American in there. You know, like those bombs "Love, Actually", "Bend It Like Beckham", and "28 Days Later." But more on Sawyer later. Or, more appropriately, "Moron, Sawyer, later."

So the movie is set in 1899. As it opens, London is under attack. Cops are freaking out, and dogs are running wild. Is it Jack The Ripper? A natural gas explosion? The Spice Girls? No...it's a TANK. A fucking Sherman tank. In 1899.

Wait, it gets better!

The tank crashes through the walls of the Bank of England, with a bunch of German military-types in tow. This is odd, because, you know, historically the Germans and the British have gotten along so well. But these particular Germans are dressed more or less like Nazi Stormtroopers. I'm going to repeat once again that this is supposed to be 1899 to let that sink in a bit.

Naturally, Germany denies all involvement in the crime. We find this out via the news-paper that splashes across the screen with the headline "'NOT US' SAYS GERMANY". Apparently, the guy who writes all those catchy headlines for the New York Post was alive and well in 1899.

Of course, Britain strikes back, attacking a zeppelin factory with the aid of rocket launchers. And the British soldiers are dressed like they're fighting "Jerry" in World War One. Again, I stress this is 1899...apparently, they blew their costume budget for the movie on Connery's "Tilley Endurables" wardrobe and were forced to raid the Fox costume vault for whatever wasn't being used. As for the rocket launchers, well obviously that's because the super-villain behind all this was advanced and...ah, fuck it. It's just lazy. Period.

So now, an agent of the British government pays a visit to Kenya to see the legendary Quartermain. He finds him in a kind of hunting lodge populated by English Gentlemen of the period. We know they're of the period, because there's more muttonchops on display here than in a Scottish abattoir. The agent then warns Quartermain that a "World War" is looming. A stunning concept, to be sure. Their meeting is cut short, however, by a group of ne'er do wells with "automatic rifles". Thus begins a truly embarrassing fight sequence, in which Quartermain refers to his gun as "Matilda". Which, I might add, is a lousy name for a gun. I call mine "Little Naked" and like to test-fire it a lot whenever I don't have a convenient target handy...ok, I'm talking about my penis now.

So, Quartermain takes down one of the attackers from about 500 yards away with "Matilda", but he has to put his glasses on to do it. Because he's old, you see. Then the lodge blows up in an example of the sloppiest CGI I have ever seen in my life.

So now, for whatever reason, he agrees to join this "League" and returns to London, where he's introduced to Nemo, the Invisible dude, and Mina. The team is overseen by a guy named "M", who tells Quartermain that the super-villain behind all this wackiness is named "The Phantom". Quartermain responds by saying that the name is "A bit operatic." Hey! The Phantom of the Opera! Get it????? See, because "The Phantom of the Opera" is another 19th century novel...ah, fuck it.

Nemo then ushers them outside, where they are picked up in a contraption that he calls "an Auto-Mobile". Once again, I STRESS that this is supposed to be 1899. And this is no Model A, kids...this is a fully tricked out limo. And yet, none of the dozens of extras in the scene seem to think that this "Auto-Mobile" is all that extraordinary...they don't even look twice. Oh, and the driver is Nemo's First Mate, who introduces himself by saying, "Call me Ishmael." See, because that's the opening of "Moby Dick", which is another 19th century novel and...ah, fuck it.

So off they go to recruit their other member, Dorian Gray. Although, as portrayed by Townsend, you'd be convinced he was actually "Dorian Gay." I'm not kidding...this character is supposed to have a "past" with Mina, but he's really obviously very gay. He couldn't be any gayer if his name was "Dorian McButtsex." Of course, I'm not saying that the actor Stuart Townsend is gay...far from it. After all, according to imdb.com, the guy is engaged to Charlize Theron. Then again, also according to imdb.com, he attended the "Gaiety School of Acting" in Dublin. Draw your own conclusions...I don't want to get sued.

While there, they're beset upon by yet another group of ne'er-do-wells. This sets up an admittedly very good fight sequence in which all the members of the "League" display their remarkable powers. Dorian Gay is invincible, the Invisible Man is, well, invisible, and Mina as it turns out is part vampire. Which is something I strangely don't remember from the novel...or the original comic, for that matter. If I didn't know better, I'd say that the character was severely manipulated simply for the sake of the movie. This is also where Tom Sawyer makes his first appearance.

An aside: This character bugged me more than anything else in the movie. For starters, he's completely unnecessary, although I'm going to be careful there, because what you say about his company is what you say about society. And let's forget for a moment that Shane West has all the screen presence of a side order of cole slaw. What bugged me the most was that the very-grown-up character introduced himself as "Special Agent Tom Sawyer of the United States Secret Service." At this point, my friends, I exclaimed "Oh FUCK RIGHT OFF!" I was alone in my apartment at the time, yelling at the TV, and vaguely fidgeting with Little Naked, as I'm wont to do. And when you exclaim "Oh FUCK RIGHT OFF" to the TV when you're alone in your apartment, that is usually a pretty good indication that whatever you're watching is bad.

Tom also exists to give the character of Quartermain the chance to discuss some father/son issues he has, but they're so boring that they don't deserve to be mentioned at all. Ignore this entire paragraph.

So, off they go to Venice and other ports of call to try and defeat the Phantom and blah blah blah.

There are so many problems with this movie that I almost don't know where to begin, although I think I've done a good job to start. Mostly, it's the complete and utter ignorance when it comes to remaining true to the period. Mainly, the "Auto-Mobiles". See, I can ALMOST buy the fact that Nemo has invented these great devices himself. That comes along with the whole "suspension of disbelief" thing. But it just goes too far. Number one, the steering wheels are on the American side, not the English side. Number two, for such a revolutionary invention, the characters in the movie are far too quick to casually refer to them as "cars". Number three, despite being a "new" invention, they're built pretty solidly...so well, in fact, that they can crash through acres of Venice architecture without so much as a scratch. Number four, despite all this, Sawyer still manages to drive one of them with all the agility and expertise of a NASCAR driver. Number five, despite all THIS, Gay and Quartermain still manage to hop out of the speeding vehicle without so much as stumbling. Number six, and the most important I think, is that IT'S A STUPID, UNBELIEVABLE FUCKING IDEA to have these stupid cars in there in the first place. They were obviously only added after some retarded executive insisted that they couldn't have an action movie without cars in it. And whoever that executive is, I wish a painful venereal disease upon him or her.

Oh, and then there's the Invisible Man. See, he coats himself in white greasepaint in order for people to see him. Yet, despite that, he still sports a nice, full face of reddish/brown whiskers. If he were invisible, then his whiskers would have no colour at all, and simply appear white under the greasepaint. That's just sloppy.

Then there's the Scud missiles flying through Venice...don't even get me started on that.

But finally, there's a point where the super-villain leaves them a recording, detailing his plan. Ok, not only is this a hackneyed device, but for SOME FUCKING REASON the Director has shown us the visual images of the bad guys recording the message, only it's "distressed" as if it was an old movie. Now, in case I wasn't clear, there's no VISUAL recording of the bad guys. They're listening to an old 78 on a gramophone. But for some reason, we're SEEING them on film, but in black and white with scratches on the print and everything else. It makes no sense at all.

I know it sounds like I should be giving this a flat zero. And trust me, I was tempted. But there are a couple of things saving the movie of that indignity. One is that some of the action/fight sequences are actually pretty cool and well done...especially the one in Gray's house. Also, the performances aren't all bad. Shah as Nemo is a standout here...he plays the part with a sort of stolid dignity that's better than the movie deserves. I've never seen this actor in anything else, but I'd really like to see him in something that doesn't suck. Also, Curran as the Invisible Man is pretty good in a mostly voice-only role...he's got all the best lines, and he's pretty likable. The rest of them look like they're embarrassed to be there though, and rightfully so.

As far as special features go, it's a waste as well. Most of the deleted scenes deserved to be deleted, although it's nice to see some of them without the digital manipulation. Other than that, there's nothing worth seeing.

The only reason to rent this is to marvel at how bad it is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and get to my twice-weekly "Dungeons and Dragons" game. I am a geek, after all.