Big Fish
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney
Directed by: Tim Burton

Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)

One day, I want people to tell tall tales about me. I want grandparents
to sit kids on their knees and tell them all about my exaggerated
exploits. They'd say things like:

"Did I ever tell you about The Naked Critic? Oh, that lad was something.
As handsome as a hundred movie stars, he was. The ladies would swoon
when he entered the room. Biceps like tree trunks, he had. He's the one
that revolutionized the entire field of movie criticism, I tells ya. But
before he won all them Pulitzers, he lived in an enormous castle, built
entirely of pizza boxes and beer cans! I seen it with my own two
eyes...with a line up of women trying to get in that stretched further
than the eye can see!"

Well, the tall tales would sound something like that...only they'd
EXAGGERATE me, rather than being that truthful.

Well sir, it's the tall tale that's at the centre of Tim Burton's latest
film "Big Fish". It's this stunning story, full of exaggerated
characters, unlikely events, and a central figure who seems larger than
life from the get-go.

I've read some comparisons of this movie to "Forrest Gump", and I guess
they're valid. They both have an eccentric main character, they both
have a lot of flashbacks, and they both cycle through decades. The
difference here, of course, is that "Big Fish" doesn't suck canal water.

The central character in this movie is Edward Bloom, played by either
Albert Finney or Ewan McGregor. As the movie opens, the older Edward has
a falling out with his son, William (Billy Crudup) over his incessant
story telling.

Now, to be fair, William is a reporter, so he likes his stories very by
the book and very factual. So, basically, he's boring, where his dad
excites people.

Eventually, Edward starts to succumb to cancer, so his wife Sandy
(Jessica Lange, or Alison Lohman in flashbacks) calls William back home
from Paris so father and son can reconcile their differences.

An aside: Speaking of cancer, I'm deep in the throes of trying to quit
smoking right now. As a result, I'm not feeling quite as creative or
funny as I normally am. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling closer to...hmmm,
what would be accurate? Ah! Homicidal! Yes, that's it...I'm feeling
homicidal. So, if this isn't as funny as usual, well, that's why. Also,
if I happen to start hallucinating halfway through the review and
ranting about wanting to plunge a dagger deep, deep in the black,
soulless heart of Carrot Top...well, let's just chalk that up to the
smoking thing too, ok?

Now, William really wants to hear the true story of his father's life,
but, gosh-darn it, it seems that Edward can't just tell a straight
story.

We're then told the story of his life through about 75 gazillion
flashbacks. I'm not kidding...there are so many flashbacks here that I'm
surprised the fabric of space-time didn't actually collapse on itself.
Timothy Leary suffered fewer flashbacks than this movie.

But it doesn't matter, because the story of Young Edward's life is
wonderful...full of strange characters and wondrous events.

As a young lad, Edward was a gifted athlete, excelling at every sport in
town...baseball, football, basketball, you name it. Exactly like me in
high school. Well, almost exactly like me...with me, instead of baseball,
football, and basketball, my sports of choice were drinking rum,
listening to hair metal, and being rejected by women. But other than
that, exactly like me.

Well, Edward thinks that he's too big for his little town of Ashton,
Alabama, so he sets out on an adventure of mythic proportions. On the
way, he encounters giants, werewolves, witches, poets, Siamese twins...you
name it. And whether he's working in a circus, or visiting a town so
perfect that nobody has ever left, he leaves his own indelible mark on
the people he encounters. Again, just like me. Except the indelible
marks Edward leaves aren't punctuated by restraining orders and nights
in the local drunk tank.

Oh yeah, and through it all, William tries to learn to love his father's
love of storytelling, while still trying to learn more about the real
man. These scenes normally last about a tenth of a millisecond before
jumping back to another flashback.

It's really hard to get into the plot of this movie without discussing
the tales that Edward spins in greater detail. I'm not going to do that
though...because they really are wonderful, and deserve to be seen
first-hand.

An aside: There's one part I will tell you about, but it's in the
trailer, so I'm not ruining anything. Besides, it sets up this anecdote.
By now, you all know my hatred of people who talk in movie
theatres...especially ones who are loud. Well, I came nanoseconds from
being the target of disdain myself, all in the name of being a smartass.
When Edward tells the story of his birth, we see his mother in the
hospital, in labor. She pushes, and ZING! Out flies baby Edward like he
was being shot out of a cannon. He lands on the hospital floor and
slides down the hall...a good 50 feet. Finally, someone stops the baby and
picks him up. I swear to you...the urge to stand up, umpire style, and
shout "SAFE!" was OVERWHELMMING. But I didn't, which is probably why I
still have a full set of teeth right now.

That's all the story I'm going to give away. I can, however, discuss the
performances and some of the characters. McGregor and Finney are
phenomenal as Edward. Finney's got a lock on an Oscar nomination for his
role, and McGregor could land one too, if only because he gets robbed by
the academy voters every other year.

Although all the performances are good, 2 stood out for very different
reasons. First, there's Robert Guillaume as Edward's doctor. He's not on
screen much, but when he is, he gives a very warm and tender
performance, especially near the end. And he seems to have recovered
well from his stroke, so that's great to see.

The other is Danny DeVito, as Amos, the circus owner and ringmaster.
He's great...one of his strongest performances. But...physically...it's like
I'm looking at a slightly shorter Ron Jeremy. He really does have that
Hedgehog look in this one. Like I said, his performance is great...but
he's kind of creepy to look at. You know, just like the real Ron Jeremy.
(If you don't know who Ron Jeremy is, don't ask, and for the love of
Pete don't try looking him up on the web...you'll be in for a very
unpleasant surprise.)

Burton expertly handles the direction of his actors, and the overall
pacing of the movie itself. It's funny, touching, and just downright
WEIRD in all the right places. There's no mistaking it for anything
other than a Burton film. It's also fantastic to look at. The art
direction and cinematography is absolutely superb, if you look for that
sort of thing.

This is the movie to see this holiday season. It's fantastic. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I have to go and spread some tall tales about myself.
And only a few of them will involve my genitalia.