Darkwolf (Direct To Video)
Starring: Samaire Armstrong, Ryan Alosio
Directed by: Richard Friedman

Rating: 1 (out of 5)

I feel it's appropriate to start this particular review off with a quote from director Richard Friedman himself:

"The concept behind (Darkwolf) was that we were going to make a great looking movie, that had a ton of production value, for a budget that was not normally associated with a movie of this quality." He then goes on to say that they would have "CGI" and "A name cast" as well.

Now, far be it from me to say that he was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WRONG about all of that. In fact, maybe it's the muscle relaxants and painkillers I'm taking (courtesy of a back injury - don't ask) but I'm feeling very charitable about this. Let's take these points, one at a time, and see if he can justify them.

NAME CAST: Uh, well, Tippi Hedren is in it. She hasn't been a "name" since "Marnie" came out in 1964, but okay...besides, it's still better than anything her daughter (Melanie Griffith) has EVER been in...oh, and the guy who played the Captain in "21 Jump Street" is in it too. And Jaime Bergman is sort of a name...as long as she has a nametag pinned to her chest.

CGI: Oh, there's CGI all right. It looks like it's been taken from a bad Nintendo 64 game, but strictly speaking, I guess it's CGI.

LOW BUDGET: I think that's patently obvious.

A GREAT LOOKING MOVIE: Well, many of the cast members are attractive, and the pointless soft-core lesbian photo shoot scene looked okay...I think this one is stretching it, but let's move on...

A TON OF PRODUCTION VALUE: Okay, Rich, buddy, you've lost me here. It's a badly written, poorly acted low-budget horror movie. I'm sure there is a union regulation that clearly PREVENTS you from ever uttering the words "production value" in reference to this movie. And, if there isn't, then there damn well should be, you fucking tool.

But don't just take MY word for it...let me tell you a little bit about the disaster that is "Darkwolf".

The movie opens in a strip club...as all good movies do. It's true...rumor has it that the opening scene of "Citizen Kane" was actually set in a peeler bar. Apparently, Charles Foster Kane is getting a lap-dance from a "dancer" dressed in a nurse's outfit when he sputters the word "Rosebud" and knocks over his $6 bottle of Budweiser, which tumbles to the ground and shatters. This opening, of course, was too racy for the day, and so no movie has been able to duplicate it until "Darkwolf."

So, we're exactly 19 seconds into the movie before we have our first shot of gratuitous nudity. At this point, the camera pans around the room for the next 2 minutes, showing us a lot more gratuitous nudity. This is inter-cut with half-second flashes of a wolf-like creature running down the streets of LA. Then, a full 2 minutes or so into the film, the first line of dialogue is spoken. And, while it's not as memorable as "Rosebud", the line "Oh yeah, baby, you know what Daddy likes, don't you?" has a certain amount of resonance all its own.

An aside: It is a bit of a confusing line, though. I mean the line is spoken by a fat, greasy guy to the young, nubile lap-dancer grinding her pelvis into him. So, she knows what Daddy likes? Big deal! I know what Daddy likes too! After all, I lived with the man for the first 20 years of my life. I fail to what this stripper knowing that my father likes "A hot meal and cold beer on the table when I walk in the door from work, and no backtalk from that smartassed kid of mine," has to do with werewolves in Los Angeles.

So, the revelry of the strip club is interrupted by a big biker (Kane Hodder) charging through the door, followed by 3 gun-toting cops. (This happens a lot...a...friend...of mine told me.) Biker Guy takes one of the strippers hostage as the three cops bark orders at him, causing his eyes to glow deep red. I'm guessing we're supposed to know that means he's a werewolf, but there's a dude I work with whose eyes are ALWAYS that red, and he says it's just from the pot. At any rate, they nail the biker and cuff him.

Now we're transported to an entirely different movie. In this one, which is reminiscent of Louis Malle's brilliant "My Dinner With Andre", two people are having a deep conversation. Only, instead of a restaurant, they're in a car. And rather than discussing Life, they're debating whether or not the man, Tom (Aaron Van Wagner) should allow his girlfriend to pose for nude photos. The other party to this fascinating dialogue isn't the girlfriend, but her friend Stacey (Andrea Bogart), who points out in eloquent fashion that the photos in question are "nudes, idiot, not girlie pics. Wayne's an artist, not a pornographer!" Ah, Stacey...your way with words would make Dorothy Parker swell with pride. Stacey points out that the as-yet-unseen girlfriend's medical school won't pay for itself. This was news for me...sorry, gang. I won't be "Naked Critic, M.D." any time soon.

Back to movie A: Apparently, Biker guy doesn't like being locked up, so he transforms into a wolf and rips his way out of the paddy wagon, killing 2 cops in the process. One of the cops is Hartigan (Stephen Williams) who, quite frankly, looks relieved that he's being killed off this quickly. This causes the remaining 2 cops to return to headquarters. One, Turley (a mannequin come-to-life named Ryan Alosio) is pure angst, while McGowan (Jaime Bergman - no relation to Ingmar, strangely enough) hasn't got the slightest clue what's going on. We know this through the following clever line of dialogue...

"This is some secret operation, right? You're DEA...or FBI...or working with...the DEA...or FBI."

At this point, she clearly runs out of acronyms. Otherwise, she could have easily accused Turley of working with the DOJ, DOD, CIA, CCR, BTO, or UNICEF.

Finally, Turley cracks, and tells her that the unit that she's joined is actually in charge of policing werewolf activity in the city. Now, how McGowan managed to join this unit, and go out on missions with them, without KNOWING this is a question best left to a competent screenwriter. Instead, Turley just barrels ahead and says that there are 2 forms of werewolves, pure blood and hybrid, and that the bad ones are hybrids...whatever. For me, the best part of this scene is when he challenges McGowan with the following Nobel-Prize winning bit of dialogue:

TURLEY: You're either with me or against me. You have exactly zero seconds to decide!
MCGOWAN: Give me a second!

I swear to Christ I didn't make that up.

Now we switch to movie C, where we meet Josie (Samaire Armstrong), a sweet diner waitress who likes to feed the cleanest homeless woman in LA (Tippi Hedren), conveniently located in the alley outside. Apparently, Josie's role in life is to just be cute, so they got the right person to play her. Armstrong is kind of like a poor man's Renee Zellweger. And by poor man's, I mean it would probably only cost me about a million dollars to get her to go out with me, while the letter from Renee's lawyer told me that she'd cost me about $10 million.

But now, all the movies converge into one single crap-fest. You see, Josie is the one at the center of the nude picture debate. And it turns out she's also a werewolf-in-waiting, being protected by the bag lady. And if that's not enough, she's a "pure" werewolf, and "hybrid" werewolf Biker Guy is after her, because if he can MATE with her, then humanity is doomed or something stupid like that. And since the Darkwolf doesn't really know who she is, he's going by instinct...and THIS means that anyone Josie touches is carrying her scent. I smell a body count!

Along the way, we meet a few other characters, like photographer Wayne (Beau Clark), who appears to only exist to be a marginally less wooden Keanu Reeves. And then, despite the carnage, Stacey and another female character manage to take the time to paint themselves up to look like werewolves and have sex with each other on a rooftop during a photo shoot.

There's so much bad about this movie that I don't know where to start. Well, okay, for starters I can mention that Jaime Bergman is officially the worst actress on the planet. Watching that vacuous head of hers mouth this horrendous dialogue is so painful that it momentarily made me forget about my back pain. The same goes for Alosio, who appears to have gone to The Gap Police Academy. Even Tippi Hedren, who once upon a time was a decent actress, is horrible here. Let me put it to you this way...Biker Guy is played by Kane Hodder, best known for playing Jason in several "Friday the 13th" movies. He out-acts most of the cast.

Oh, and for those of you with kids, listen up: Sasha Williams, the other woman in the nude-photo-shoot-making-out-on-the-rooftop scene, is also currently starring as the Yellow Power Ranger. So the next time your kids watch Power Rangers, you'll be giggling your ass off.

But to be fair, they've got zero to work with. This script is the worst written piece of crap I've seen since my "It Runs In The Family" review. It's just dreadful, on every single level. If the examples I've cited aren't enough, here's one more for you: cop Turley is comforting the dying bag lady, who says he has to protect Josie. Turley says the following:

"But...I'm not a protector."

Um, hello...douchenozzle? SECOND WORD ON YOUR FUCKING BADGE, ASSWIPE!!!! "To PROTECT And To Serve." No wonder this jackass has been relegated to the LAPD's version of the X-Files...he's plainly retarded.

I've given it a 1, rather than a 0. There are 2 reasons for that. One is Samaire Anderson, who turns in the only halfway decent performance in the movie. I mean, it's not Oscar-worthy, but she does show a lot of potential. Apparently, she's on that new FOX show "The O.C.", which I haven't seen. Hopefully she continues to do well so she can remove this blight from her resume.

The other thing is that this is so "Ed Wood" bad that it's actually hysterically funny. It's a crying shame that "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is off the air, because this one is right up their alley. The funniest moment comes when Turley and Josie see a news report on some carnage. They're watching this on TV, and the camera shifts from the reporter to Biker Guy, whose eyes glow red again.

So, you've got a cameraman, at a crime scene, shooting a reporter giving a live report...and the CAMERAMAN decides to focus on the big mongoloid biker NEXT to the reporter? Unless the news program in question is actually "Gay Leather-Man Fetish News", there really is no excuse for that.

So, if you're looking for a movie that you and your buddies can sit around and mock, by all means, give this one a look. Or, you know, if you have a gay leather-man fetish or love pointless scenes of body-painted lesbian sex that last 8 minutes. Otherwise, do something a little less painful...like listening to that "Stacey's Mom Has Got It Going On" song repeatedly for 90 minutes.