Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (DVD)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kristanna Loken
Directed by: Jonathan Mostow

Rating: 2 (out of 5)

Thank you, California. Thank you for electing Arnold as your Governor.
That now means that I've got at least 3 years ahead of me without any
more shitty Schwarzenegger movies.

Come on, the man hasn't made a decent movie since "True Lies". You know
it...I know it...let's not debate the subject.

Although, I was cautiously optimistic about "T3". After all, the first 2
movies were good, and they actually CENTRED on the fact that Arnold
can't act. You couldn't ask for a role more tailor-made for him. How
badly could they mess up a Terminator movie?

Pretty badly, as it turns out.

As the movie opens, we meet John Connor (Nick Stahl), who's all growed
up and living outside "The Grid" on the fringes of society. That way,
it's harder for time-travelling machines to try and find and kill him.
His mother Sarah died several years ago, as a convenient way to explain
the fact that Linda Hamilton wouldn't go near another Terminator movie
with a 30 foot pole.

Well, sure enough, those pesky time-travelling machines are on their way
back. First, we see meet the TX (Kristanna Loken). The TX is - for some
unexplained reason - in a female form instead of a male form. I figure
that's because the machines of the future designed her this way, knowing
that the movie was going to need a gimmick. She walks naked into the
middle of the street, unnoticed by everyone except a female motorist.
Fortunately, the female motorist is the same size as the TX, and has a
penchant for tight red leather. I'd hate to think that a TX would have
to walk around town in a t-shirt and stretch pants from Wal-Mart.

Then, of course, Arnold shows up. He's got the good fortune to show up
near a hick bar that's having a "Ladies Night", which means there's a
male stripper. Rather than groping the bar full of cheering, horny
women, he opts to harass the stripper instead. It turns out that the
stripper is the only person LEFT ON THE PLANET who says, "Talk to the
hand!" This, of course, sets up a clever joke that will remind people of
"Hasta La Vista, Baby,"...you know, the good old days when Terminator
movies didn't suck.

Meanwhile, John is having some issues of his own. It seems our hero is
addicted to animal tranquilizers. This is probably because he read the
script and was trying to numb the pain.

The vet, Katherine (Claire Danes, who should damn well know better)
catches him mid-binge, and locks him in a cage. It turns out, though,
that John and Katherine know each other, and in a wacky coincidence,
they made out when they were kids. It must be quite a relief for her to
see that she's traded up from this knob.

But before she has time to process this, the TX - having found some
product for her hair - shows up to kill her. Now, the TX is similar to
the last, liquid terminator, but this one can shoot some sort of energy
from her arm. However, she doesn't USE that...instead, she's picked up a
handgun somewhere and is using that instead. Which makes perfect
sense...oh wait, sorry. It makes NO sense. No sense at all. My bad.

Of course, then Arnold shows up - again, with a gun he seems to have
procured out of nowhere, and they fight, blah blah blah. Of course,
watching Arnold beat the crap out of Robert Patrick in "T2" was kind of
fun. Watching him beat the crap out of a girl, less so.

Arnold bundles up John and Katherine and they boot on out of there. Of
course, Katherine is confused and hysterical. This is probably because
she's read the script as well, and furthermore should know better than
to be in this turd of a movie.

Of course, you may be asking yourself "Why is the TX trying to kill
Katherine? Shouldn't she be trying to kill John?" Well, as it turns out,
in another wacky coincidence Future Katherine is actually one of Future
John's generals. And his wife. Yup, as if this poor girl isn't going
through enough, what with the bad script and dopey co-stars, it turns
out that she's going to marry this drug-addicted grime factory. Whom she
once made out with. Ugh. You know, the character of Katherine MUST have
felt revulsion at finding this nugget of news out. After all, I feel a
little nauseous just telling you about it.

So, yeah, it turns out "Judgement Day" actually happened after all, and
in the future humans are STILL fighting machines. We find out all this -
and more! - in between the roughly 17 hours of car chase scenes. It's
like the plot and dialogue is filler in between explosions. In another
wacky coincidence, we also find out that Katherine's dad works for the
government, making robotic soldiers for use in warfare. So, yeah, that's
where the "Rise Of The Machines" comes in, but realistically, they
probably should have called it "Rise Of The Battlebots."

So, what's good about this movie?

Not a whole hell of a lot. If you want nothing but fight scenes and shit
getting destroyed, well, you'll still be bored. But, at the very least
you'll have some explosions to occasionally break up the tedium. Nick
Stahl isn't as annoying as Edward Furlong was as John. But come on,
that's like saying that being hit in the head with a frying pan isn't as
bad as being hit in the head with a cinder block.

Look, here's the deal. If there's no James Cameron, there's no movie.
Love him or hate him, he puts a lot of time and effort into developing
the story, the characters, and making his movies fun to look at. There's
NONE of that here. That intensity that drove the first 2 movies is gone,
and replaced with just the basic formula and a new hook. And it's not
even a good hook...not only is it creepy watching Arnold fighting a
girl, but you spend half of their might scenes checking him out to see
if he cops a feel.

The one thing I did like about it was the ending. I won't ruin it, but
you'll either love it or hate it, and I loved it. The rest of the movie
still pretty much sucked, but if you love endings, this may be the movie
for you!

The director is Jonathan Mostow, who directed "Breakdown" and "U-571"
But he's not really the director. This is nothing more than Arnold's
vanity picture. And it's not a very good one at that.

The DVD offers a ton of special features. OF course, they're CRAPPY
special features, but they're there all the same. There's a documentary,
which is basically their Press Kit, and a bunch of "features" that
really only exist to try and sell the toys and video games. Pointless.

There is one saving grace here, and that's the one deleted scene. It's
actually very, very funny. To be honest, it's too funny, and would have
really been out of place had it been left in. This scene and the ending
are really the only two good things about this entire package.

In closing, I'll say this: If Schwarzenegger can release this dopey
movie and - just a couple of months later - get elected as Governor of
California, then we're not that far away from President Steven Seagal.
Please, be careful out there.